There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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