So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
