Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
