You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
