His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
