and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
