My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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