He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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