He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
