and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
