I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
