I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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