In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
