so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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