God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
