dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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