If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
