I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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