Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
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I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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