i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
