he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
