Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
