Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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