I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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