wrigley field is MILF paradise
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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