I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
