I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
