Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
