Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
