i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My ass is underappreciated
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
