I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
