She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
