I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
