I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
