Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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