Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
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He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
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Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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