The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
