Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
