Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
