Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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