were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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