I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize