yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
