If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
