She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
