Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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