I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
