mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
