apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
