my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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