So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
