Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
why is half of my head shaved?
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