Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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