He passed out mid-signature
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
porn star boner night. come get it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
