but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
