my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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