I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
