we have pet lesbian snakes
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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