it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
