dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
