I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize