So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
