if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
