she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
