when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
